Rise Up Figgis Agency
by Red Witch
Summary: The remaining members of the Figgis Agency try to figure out how they will go on without Archer. Obviously alcohol plays a role.


**The disclaimer telling you that I don't own any Archer characters is still in a coma. So just what did happen to the rest of the gang during those three months Archer was in a coma? A lot actually. At least this is what I** _ **think**_ **happened.**

 **Rise Up Figgis Agency **

"All right Figgis Agency bring it in," Cyril spoke to Krieger, Ray, Cheryl and Pam in the bullpen. "I know these past few days have been a little rough."

"A **little** rough?" Pam snapped. "Brass Knuckle Nights at underground rumbles are a **little rough**! These past few days have been a **freaking nightmare**!"

"Especially for Lana and Ms. Archer," Ray added. "And technically Archer too. He's the one that's in the coma."

"Look we all know that somehow Archer will pull through and come out of his coma," Cyril said. "Unfortunately. This is Archer. He always comes back. Like herpes. Or one of those other venereal diseases that are named after him."

"Technically it's just one strain that mutated," Krieger explained.

"Nice to know you care, Cyril," Pam said sarcastically.

"Please!" Cyril grumbled. "How much you wanna bet within the first hour of Archer waking up, he's going to try and hump a nurse?"

"Yeah I can see that happening," Pam admitted.

"Me too," Ray nodded.

"Well isn't **that** something I'd want to hear," Lana walked in grumbling.

"I know!" Cheryl giggled. "Wow Cyril! Great faux paus!"

"Lana, what are you doing here? You didn't have to come into work today," Cyril said. "It's only been two days since…You know…"

"Call it what it is!" Pam said. "The Deadly Velvet Incident."

"It's amazing how many names for incidents we have," Ray remarked.

"It's amazing how many **incidents** we've had," Krieger told him.

"Archer's in a coma, Cyril," Lana said. "But I still have to take care of our child! Besides I can't just sit at home. I feel like I need to do something."

"What about AJ?" Cyril asked.

"Ron said he'd watch her today," Lana said. "I haven't told her about Archer yet. God I don't even know how I'm going to do that. I'm just glad Ron agreed to help out."

"You know he's just going to take her to the track again right?" Cyril groaned.

"No, he's not," Lana said. "Ron specifically promised to not go anywhere **near** the track today. He said he'd take AJ to a park."

Meanwhile…

"Read 'em and weep boys!" Ron put down some cards on a deck table. "Full house!"

"Ah man! Give me a break!" Several elderly men sitting around a park bench groaned. They were all playing poker and had drinks with them.

AJ was sitting next to Ron. "Full house!" She cheered.

"And that little AJ is called the Cincinnati Shuffle," Ron grinned as he collected his winnings.

"Cincinnati Shuffle!" AJ repeated.

"Speaking of which," An older black man groaned. "I gotta make sure my grandson's IPod thingy is still playing."

He looked down at a pram. "Oh yeah. He figured it out himself. Smart kid."

"Fred, He's a baby and he has his own IPod?" Ron asked.

"He's a baby and he already knows how **to program** his own IPod," Fred told him.

"Great idea having our games in the park," Another older man in a blue shirt said. "We can play poker, drink and watch our grandkids. By the way has anyone seen mine?"

"They're over there," Another older man said. "Setting fire to that trashcan."

"Parker! Posey!" The Blue Shirt Man shouted. "Stop that! How many times do I have to tell you that you start fires at the **bottom!** Not the top!"

"Can you say arson AJ?" Ron asked.

"Arson!" AJ chirped.

"I knew you could," Ron rolled his eyes.

Back at the Figgis Agency…

"Ron may not be perfect but at least I can trust him to be a good influence on AJ," Lana sighed.

"Wait are both Ron and Ms. Archer watching AJ?" Pam realized. "Because if **she's there** that whole good influence thing kind of flies out the window."

"Not exactly," Lana sighed.

"Sorry I'm late," Mallory walked in carrying a bottle of scotch. She looked like she'd been crying. Her hair had changed back to its usual shape and she was wearing a blue dress. "I had to take something."

"I'm guessing scotch does count as something," Ray remarked.

"It's my version of an antidepressant," Mallory shrugged as she took a drink right from the bottle. "And cheaper than most medication."

"You're not wrong there," Ray admitted.

"Actually, alcohol is…" Lana began. "Oh never mind."

"Mallory, you didn't have to come in today," Cyril told her.

"I can't stay home," Mallory sighed, completely ignoring the fact that Cyril used her real name. "I have to keep busy. Sterling would want me to carry on."

"Wow," Cheryl remarked. "You really don't know your son at all do you?"

"Like it or not life must go on," Mallory admitted as she sat down. "And this agency just can't afford to wait around and do nothing."

"Technically we can afford it a little bit," Cyril said. "Not for long but…"

"What do you mean?" Lana asked.

"Well the good news is that Ellis Crane paid in advance," Cyril said. "So that money should help for a little bit."

"How much?" Mallory asked.

"Five hundred thousand dollars," Cyril said. "Plus an extra two hundred thousand in expenses."

"WHAT?" Mallory and Lana shouted.

"Damn!" Pam whistled.

"Whoooh!" Krieger was impressed.

"Seriously?" Ray gasped.

"That's a lot, right?" Cheryl asked.

"Yeah I know," Cyril nodded. "He may have been a great director but he was not a good financial negotiator."

"Or judge of women," Mallory remarked as she casually glanced at Lana. Lana glared at her.

"But the bad news is this money will only keep this agency afloat for a short time," Cyril told them. "Look guys like it or not this agency still needs to bring in money. With or without Archer. And the way things look it will be without him for a long time."

"He's right," Mallory took a breath. "Okay. That's it. I need to get back in the game."

"What game?" Cheryl asked. "Chutes and Ladders? Parcheesi?"

"I mean…" Mallory began.

"Monopoly!" Cheryl kept going. "Pente! Risk!"

"You're taking a risk if you keep interrupting me with your stupidity!" Mallory snarled. "So zip it Carol!"

"Or I will hurt you so hard even **you** won't like it!" Lana snapped.

"Why are you mad at **me** for?" Cheryl was confused.

"Uh hello?" Lana snapped. "You lied to the police and got me arrested!"

"Oh like I was the **only one** ," Cheryl snorted.

"We're going off track here," Cyril sighed.

"I'd like to tie her to a track," Lana grumbled as she folded her arms.

"Me too!" Mallory said before taking another swig.

"TEASE!" Cheryl snapped.

"Can we just focus on how we're going to keep this agency in business for now?" Cyril asked. "Because something tells me we're not going to get a deluge of clients after the Deadly Velvet Incident."

"That's what we're calling it now?" Mallory groaned.

"Gotta admit it fits," Krieger said.

"Shut up you robot crazy Kraut!" Mallory snapped.

"Preferably for the next few years!" Lana agreed.

"What did I do?" Krieger was confused. "What are you mad at **me** for?"

"You're kidding, right?" Lana glared at him.

"You had to make those god damn metal monstrosities!" Mallory shouted. "Because of them my Sterling is in a coma!"

"He would have been fine if he let the **robot** get shot first!" Pam snapped. "You can't blame **that** on Krieger!"

"I can and I will!" Mallory snapped.

"Exactly!" Lana snapped.

"You're just mad because my cyborg Archer was more in love with you than the real one," Krieger grumbled.

Lana glared at him. Then she jumped on Krieger and started wailing on him. "LANA NO!" Mallory shouted as she put down her bottle. "LET ME HELP YOU!" Then she started wailing on Krieger.

Cheryl screamed with joy. "EEEEEEEEE!"

"Oh God I hate these meetings," Ray groaned.

"Guys help me before they kill Krieger!" Cyril shouted.

"Oh for crying out…" Pam rolled her eyes. She then helped Ray and Cyril pull Lana and Mallory off Krieger.

"Why won't you let us kill him?" Mallory snarled.

"Because we already have one of our own in the hospital!" Pam snapped. "We don't need another one!"

"Unless you want to pay **more hospital** bills?" Ray suggested.

"As much as I'd love to see you **murder** each other we kind of need all the help we can get!" Cyril snapped.

"Fine!" Mallory grumbled as she took her seat and grabbed her bottle again. "The Nitwit Nazi can live. For now."

"Speaking of which what the hell are we going to do with the rest of the damn robots he created?" Lana spoke up. "I vote for melting them down and selling them for scrap metal!"

"Aww…" Krieger whined.

"ZIP IT!" Lana snarled.

"Don't worry about it," Cyril said. "We're handling it. Right now we need to come up with ways to keep this agency afloat. Now how are we going to come up with the money we need to keep our agency in business?"

"How about hunting down stupid Veronica Stupid Deane?" Cheryl suggested. "And throw acid in her stupid face and then drag her stupid ass back so we can get the reward!"

"YES!" Lana said. "Cheryl that is officially the best idea you ever had."

"I agree!" Mallory said. She then took a swig from the bottle.

"You can't hunt her down and throw acid in her face!" Cyril snapped.

Lana shrugged. "Still a good idea."

"There probably isn't even a reward yet," Cyril said.

"Don't care," Lana said.

"Neither do I," Mallory hiccupped. "Who said that?"

"Let the police handle Veronica Deane," Cyril told them.

"The _police?_ " Lana snapped. "The same people who were just bending over backwards to let her get away **with murder?** The same people who arrested me when she tried to frame me?"

"They practically gave her an engraved invitation to cover her bony ass!" Mallory snapped. "If it wasn't for Sterling…" She began to sob.

"You know I could still fix the Archer bot and…" Krieger began.

To this Mallory threw her bottle at Krieger. "AAAHH!" Krieger barley ducked in time to miss it. The bottle smashed against the wall.

"I swear to God Krieger…" Mallory snarled. "One of these days…One of these days…"

"Honestly I would not mind it much if it was **today**!" Lana added. "Today actually works for me!"

"You were once nothing but a mess of bodily fluids on some lab table!" Mallory snarled. "Trust me. I have the power to change you **back** into that at **any time**!"

"Yeesh," Krieger gulped.

"Can we **please** get back on track?" Cyril pleaded. "Come on!"

"I still say we should track that bitch Deane down," Pam said. "It can't be that hard. I'm sure John Huston would love to stop the coconut damage to his house."

"We're **not** doing that!" Cyril snapped. "At least for now."

"Well then what **are** we doing Cyril?" Lana snapped. "Tell me? What?"

"I DON'T KNOW!" Cyril shouted. "THAT'S WHAT THIS MEETING IS **ABOUT!"**

" _Brilliant leadership_ as always Cyril," Mallory said sarcastically.

"Oh like **your leadership** has always been so great?" Cyril snapped. "It was partially your fault this whole mess happened in the first place! You were too busy trying to score some freebies as usual to keep your eye on the ball!"

"Don't you dare blame this on **me**!" Mallory snapped

"Why shouldn't I?" Cyril snapped. "Either you or your son are responsible for 85 percent of the bills around here!"

"Even more now that your son is in a coma," Cheryl added. "Did I mention you never told him you loved him?"

Mallory's façade cracked. "OOOHHHH!" She started to sob.

"Wow," Cheryl blinked. "That was more effective than I thought."

"Are you…Actually _crying_?" Cyril blinked.

"Of course, I'm **crying!"** Mallory shouted. "Can't you see how upset and distraught I am?"

"About what exactly…?" Cheryl asked confused.

"My son being in a coma!" Mallory snapped.

"Seriously?" Cheryl blinked.

"What do you think I am?" Mallory snapped. "Some kind of selfish cold heartless monster without any feelings?"

"Yeah pretty much," Cheryl said.

"Yes," Ray said at the same time.

"Yes," Cyril said at the same time.

"Uhhhh…." Lana stalled at the same time.

"Aren't you?" Pam said at the same time.

"I thought that was pretty much a given," Krieger added.

"Oh, **thank you** for your support!" Mallory said sarcastically between sobs. "I am going through one of the worst things a mother can possibly go through and all you people can do is crack jokes!"

"Didn't you go get your hair and nails done like a few hours after your son was put in a coma?" Pam asked.

"I made the appointment a **week ago**!" Mallory snapped. "And if I didn't go I wouldn't have been able to get another one for at least two weeks!"

"Nice to see you have your priorities," Pam remarked.

"WAAHHHH! AAHHH!" Mallory started crying again.

"Man, she is an ugly crier," Ray winced.

"Yeah that's a big turn off," Krieger admitted.

"Should we be concerned about her mood swings?" Cyril asked.

"I'm more concerned about those two bottles of scotch that she drank this morning," Lana told him.

"Two?" Cyril asked.

"She drank one in the car," Lana sighed. "Good thing I drove us in."

"This isn't an agency," Ray grumbled. "This is a John Wells play!"

"With a dash of Tennessee Williams thrown in," Krieger added.

"Look I am going through a very difficult time right now!" Mallory snapped.

"Like you're the **only** one?" Lana snapped.

"Oh here we go," Mallory grumbled.

"Archer…Is the father of my child!" Lana protested.

"Sterling is my **actual child**!" Mallory snapped back.

"In more ways than one," Cyril sighed.

"And I don't know where we are or how we stand or…" Lana bristled. "I haven't exactly had it easy this week either!"

"Please!" Mallory snapped. "You can always get another baby daddy! Maybe if you fixed your makeup and got new clothes…?"

"Well not all of us can put ourselves **first!** " Lana snapped.

"OKAY!" Cyril shouted. "THAT'S ENOUGH! This isn't a contest people!"

"You're telling me," Mallory stuck her nose in the air.

"You know…?" Lana growled at her.

"We are in **serious trouble** people!" Cyril snapped. "The last thing we need is to be at each other's throats! So, can we all just calm down and think about what we are going to do before we lose our livelihoods for the **second time** in as many years?"

Lana sighed as she looked at Mallory. "He does have a point. Sorry."

"You should be," Mallory sniffed.

"You know…?" Lana glared.

"Isn't that Ray's line?" Cheryl asked.

"You know…?" Ray glared at her.

"That's it," Cheryl nodded.

" **Settle down!"** Mallory shouted. "Clearly this agency is in crisis mode. And between the blowback from what happened with Ellis Crane and the Zissners…"

"Don't forget both the CIA and FBI badmouthing us," Pam added. "As well as ODIN."

"Yes Pam…" Mallory rolled her eyes.

"MIA, Interpol," Pam went on. "Trudy Beekman. Pretty much everybody back in New York…"

"ALL RIGHT **WE GET IT!"** Mallory shouted. "Who are you? David Letterman with the top ten reasons why I should fire you lot? Out of a cannon. Into shark infested waters…"

"That actually happened to my great uncle Toulouse Tunt," Cheryl spoke up. "He was a daredevil and was supposed to fly over the shark infested waters. But his assistant screwed the aim up completely and he fell right in. Probably had something to do with the fact that Uncle Toulouse was caught sleeping with his wife."

"If you lot can keep the idiocy down for a moment! Shut up! I'm trying to inspire you!" Mallory shouted.

"Well you are going to have to do harder than that," Cheryl went on. "Phrasing! Boom!"

"Uggghhh…" Mallory groaned.

"Look things are really bad now," Cyril said. "And once the press gets a hold of our part in the whole Veronica Deane scandal it's going to get worse."

"Really inspiring, Cyril," Ray said in a deadpanned tone.

"Hey you know…?" Cyril snapped.

"Absolutely nothing," Lana grumbled. "That's what you know."

"HA!" Mallory scoffed.

"At least I know if I had a robot double of myself, I'd let the robot get shot **first!** " Cyril snapped.

"Well that's just mean," Ray gave him a look.

"Seriously," Krieger also gave Cyril a look.

"Inaproppes," Pam agreed.

Mallory sighed. "Unfortunately, he has a point."

"Wait you're on **his side** now?" Lana snapped.

"I'm on the side of **this agency**!" Mallory snapped. "And as much as I hate to admit it, Sterling has put us all in a very precarious position!"

"Probably not as precarious as Uncle Toulouse," Ray added. "But still pretty bad."

"So we are going to have to work harder than ever to make up for his absence!" Mallory said in a determined voice.

"We are?" Cheryl asked.

"What did you **think** we were going to do?" Ray asked. "Just sit around and wait for Archer to wake up?"

"Yeah pretty much," Cheryl shrugged.

"We shall rise like a phoenix from the ashes!" Mallory proclaimed triumphantly. "And we all know Sterling won't be in a coma long. My god the man has spent so much time unconscious due to drunken binges a coma should be a snap for him to wake up from."

"You don't know how a coma actually works, do you?" Krieger asked.

"We are going to come back from this stronger than ever!" Mallory snapped. "Who's with me?"

"Us I guess?" Pam guessed.

"I guess we might as well," Ray blinked.

"Eh why not?" Krieger shrugged. "Got nothing better to do."

"Whatever…" Cheryl sighed.

"Okay," Mallory sighed. "Now let's go to a bar!"

"YEAH!" Everyone (Except for Lana and Cyril) cheered wildly.

"Whooo hooo!" Pam whooped.

"Let's **do** this!" Krieger called out.

"NO! Let's **not** do this!" Cyril shouted.

"Mallory, don't you think you've had **enough** to drink this morning?" Lana asked.

"No, I **haven't,** " Mallory said sarcastically. "Lana Moaning and Groaning. Besides there's a reason I want to go to a bar."

"Besides drinking and getting drunk on my dime?" Cyril snapped.

"Yes!" Mallory snapped. "We need to get out of this stuffy office! A change of scenery would do us good! It would do me good! Take my mind off things for a bit."

"You've only been here **twenty minutes**!" Cyril shouted.

"I'm grieving here!" Mallory snapped. "Time has no meaning for me."

"And apparently neither does sobriety," Lana said. "Besides none of the bars are open."

"This is LA!" Mallory snapped. "There has to be at least one bar open!"

"We are **not** going to a bar!" Cyril snapped. "We're trying to save money! Remember?"

"He's right," Pam said. "We don't need to go to a bar."

"Thank you, Pam," Cyril sighed.

"Especially since we got a whole tank load of hooch in the break room," Pam added.

" _Thank_ you, Pam!" Cyril said sarcastically.

"That's right!" Mallory realized. "We refilled the cabinets before…Before…"

"Before Archer got blown away?" Cheryl spoke up. "Just like Cher's boyfriend when he was caught messing with the dark lady. Odd. You would have thought that being a fortune teller she would have saw it coming."

"Speaking of blowing someone away…" Mallory growled as she grabbed her purse. "Where the hell is my gun?"

"Oh no!" Lana realized she had to intervene. "Noooope!"

"Get the gun!" Cyril shouted.

Soon Mallory was fighting with Lana and Cyril. "Give me the gun!" Lana said.

"Mallory…" Cyril pleaded.

"That's Ms. Archer you…" Mallory fought.

It all happened so fast. Somehow Mallory got her gun from her purse. As Lana wrestled the gun away it went off. It shot a lamp on the ceiling shattering it. At the exact same time, Cyril's elbow connected hard to Mallory's face by accident. Mallory fell backwards and hit her head on a nearby table. Then fell to the floor.

THUNK!

"Ooooohh," Pam, Ray and Krieger winced.

"Oops!" Cyril winced. "Is she okay?"

"If by okay you mean knocked out cold then yes," Lana checked Mallory over.

"Great now **both Archers** are unconscious," Ray groaned.

"This is such a fun week," Cheryl giggled.

"You got her good," Ray whistled as Lana and Cyril put Mallory on the couch. "She's already getting a shiner."

"I didn't mean to!" Cyril protested. "It was an accident!"

"Like she's gonna care about that?" Pam snorted. "She's gonna kill you dude."

"He'll be lucky if all she does is kill him," Cheryl pointed out. "She might decide to literally emasculate him."

"And she'll do it too," Cyril whimpered. "This is not my fault! I don't want to die!"

"Cyril you're not going to die," Lana rolled her eyes as she put the gun down on the table.

"Well you **say** that…" Krieger began.

"Dude if he dies we don't get paid," Pam said.

"Oh right," Krieger realized.

"So, if you all don't want to end up on the unemployment line…" Cyril warned.

"Or in your case the morgue…" Ray added.

"Oh please!" Cheryl snapped. "Just pour some absinthe down her throat and she won't remember anything. She'll think she had another blackout."

"That's true," Cyril said.

"Wouldn't be the first time we had to do that," Lana admitted. "Okay now all we need is some…"

"I'm on it," Ray went to the bar and pulled out a bottle.

"Lucky we had a bottle," Cyril said.

"Luck had nothing to do with it," Ray said.

"We always keep a few bottles around just in case," Krieger said.

"So what do we tell her when she comes to?" Cyril asked as Ray walked over with the bottle.

"Tell her that she got drunk, tried to kill Cheryl, shot a lamp and hit her head when she passed out," Ray shrugged before pouring some absinthe down Mallory's throat. "Which is technically true."

"The best lies always have a little bit of truth in them," Krieger agreed.

"This can't be good for her," Lana remarked. "Putting more alcohol in her body while she's unconscious. With a possible concussion. That **can't** be good for her."

"Who cares?" Ray said. "I'm honestly asking."

"Not me," Cyril admitted.

"Ehhh," Krieger shrugged.

"Ditto," Cheryl said.

"Not like she wasn't gonna do it when she was awake," Pam said. "Speaking of which."

"Hey!" Ray snapped as Pam grabbed the bottle from Ray and took a drink. "PAM!"

Pam held up a finger as she took a hefty swig finishing the bottle. Then she burped. "What? Even Ms. Archer can't drink the whole bottle unconscious!"

"I'm pretty sure she can," Ray said.

"We need at least one empty to cover our asses," Pam told him. "Well technically Cyril's ass."

"Does that count as phrasing?" Ray asked.

"I'll allow it," Krieger said. "So, for added realism…" He went over to the bar and grabbed another bottle of absinthe.

"Pour me a drink too Krieger," Cyril groaned.

"Me too!" Cheryl cheered.

"So basically, the plan is for everyone to get drunk today?" Lana groaned.

"Why not?" Pam remarked. "It's pretty much what we do every day!"

"Rise like a phoenix my ass," Ray groaned. "More like roast like a chicken!"


End file.
